Sometimes...

Sometimes your walk is easier than others. Sometimes it's easy and going very well, and sometimes it's hard and going very well. Other times, it's hard and it's not going very well. It's never easy and not going very well. 

Even at times when I did not consider myself a Christian, prayer was a constant thing. I'm glad that the Bible gives us very specific instructions on how to do so, because prayer can very easily become a routine thing when you do it so often. Simplicity can stay, but habitual repetition can strip away the sincerity or it can become ritualistic, repeated blathering with an expectation of action. This removal I feel drives a wedge, a distance that is much harder to take away than to put in place. 

I try very hard to keep in mind that I should not have expectations of how God will respond to my prayers. Sometimes, however, the perception of silence can feel like an absence. I'm sure I've said all of this before in one way or another. As darker supernatural forces try to work their ways to introduce doubt and frustration in our path... we can fall into contrived platitudes often used to describe this struggle. 

It can be so easy to become cynical, and I find myself wanting to emit an audible sigh when I hear something that has clearly been repeated a million times by people less clever than the original author. This sort of frustration comes across as being self-centered and condescending, I'm sure. It's also extremely hard to avoid. When I have been called on it, it's very hard to explain that I find the phrase, or the action performed of repetition, to be irritating and meaningless and not the person delivering the message. 

I had something leave me in a Pentecostal church that had been with me for a very long time, and it needed to go. I felt it come out of my face. It definitely did not want to leave. Now, I am still conscious of the space it occupied in the unutterable space of my mind and heart. It is most definitely filled with something different. Something that is very affectionate and consistent, but will deliver the worst kind of disappointment when I do the wrong thing, especially when it's habitual or I make a conscious decision to perform the action anyway. It's very different when I fight it as hard as I can and eventually give in. I quit smoking again, if you're curious...

Then I had a few visions. These were dismissed. Not by me, but I won't go into it, or I'll be overcome with a very specific type of rage that I fight to keep at bay. I am considerate, as much as I can be, of others experience with Christ and the supernatural side of our religion. I have no interest in dismissing someone's experience unless it's negative, or in no way is a force for positivity. If your vision from God, or what you feel is a communication from something supernatural, is anything but positive, a warning, or instructions that build toward the betterment of other Christians or the improvement of souls toward our savior in some way, there is no way it came from our Lord. 

The Bible also gives instructions on how to deal with these visions, and to figure out if something is from our Lord or the darker forces that exist within the spiritual realm. If you do not employ these to your advantage, you neglect them to your detriment. 

Please be safe. Keep praying. Be open minded, but don't be controlled by anything or anyone other than Jesus Christ. 

Backsliding.

How often do you really feel like a good Christian? 

I'm sure many punish themselves constantly for their past, remembering embarrassments and errors in judgment that follow them forever in one way or another. Every time it feels as if something has been dealt with, it comes back later to stare you in the face. No matter how well you're doing, or have been doing for months, it seems to hide behind a corner like an invisible bear trap to cut through a tendon in your ankle. 

Addictions, habits, annoyances. I suppose this is a normal part of any Christian's struggle as we move forward, attempting to lead a Christlike life. Sometimes I feel like an imposter. I'm not new in my spiritual journey, but I try to retain the state of mind someone new to it, otherwise I might assume I know much more than I actually do. I still fall into this on occasion. I also study and interpret things in a very different way compared to how I used to. 

The basic outline, the difference between right and wrong. The things I know I should be doing and the things I know I shouldn't. The laziness and procrastination, and my failure to be consistent in many areas that require improvement. I understand what needs to be done, and whether it's because of depression, which I really strive not to use as an excuse for everything, or fear, I find myself making the wrong decision much less now, but moving more toward a paralysis of decision. 

Sometimes when you pray the hardest it seems like you get the least amount of direction. This is something that, I believe, we do to ourselves. When we receive clear direction and instructions, or we become locked in to a path that we know is right with the Lord because of the many ways he speaks to us, things seem to move quickly. It's when something, who we all acknowledge is at work in our lives and who we consistently fight against, and who we are protected against, continually obfuscates the path by using our own worst personality traits against us that leading a Christian life is the most difficult. 

As we approach Christmas and the end of the year, thank you for listening, thank you for the support. 

For New Orders!!!

I ran out of shipping materials!

If you order in the next couple weeks, it might take me a few extra days to get your order out. It WILL get to you, I promise, but please bear with me while I resupply on nearly everything. 

I will do my best to get any orders made between now and the second week of December to you by Christmas. 

Figuring Out What To Do. Bandcamp, Spotify, Others.

I'm not against change, but it seems like every day Bandcamp changes something, "For the better," that ends up making it more annoying to use as a place to post music. Their payout options have recently become particularly annoying. 

I'm trying to figure out what to do, please bear with me as I figure out whether or not I'm going to stay with Bandcamp. 

I don't really like conspiracy theories, but sometimes it feels like all of these music marketplaces and streaming services are colluding to make things as hard as possible for independent artists and record labels to function in a straight forward way. 

Updates on New Releases

Where did the EPs go?

Similar to the Demo Collection, I will be compiling all of the EPs into a single disc compilation. It will have expansive liner notes and likely some artwork by Gustave Dore. The reason behind this is because new listeners are getting confused by the number of releases I put out. I will release it digitally very soon and there will be a CD release.

Previously Released Albums

I still have copies of a couple of my full length albums, but they're running low and I'm no longer entirely satisfied with them. The following will be receiving updated physical releases that may (probably) include bonus tracks or alternate versions:

Resurrection of Dry Bones

Rejoice In Our Suffering

Whom He May Devour

Melancholia: Isolation In Four Movements

None of them will be limited like the previous editions. Simply put, these will be the versions I release and stick with until people decide to ignore the project entirely, at which point I suppose I'll stop! I will be getting CDs and Cassettes made of all full length albums. 

New Album - Church Sickness

It's coming along. Thanks for your patience. 

Starting With, and After Church Sickness

I will not be releasing anymore EPs, Demos, Collections, or Singles. This may change if I work with a label that wants me to do one of these, but I plan to focus on releasing full length albums. I will still be fully willing to write and record music for split releases. I love this format and I feel honored that anyone would want to collaborate with me in this way.