Unintentionally, over the course of writing the music and lyrics of the upcoming album, it became a concept album. Though a loose concept, it's a very important one for all Christians. Sin. As I finish mixing the instrumentals and work on recording vocals, putting the best polish I can over the whole of the release, I've had questions come in.
I'm perfectly happy to answer anyone's emails and communications as well as I can, but I know that what most people are looking for is a short answer, and I'm simply not that person, it's not how God built me or my mind. There is no way I can give short, simple answers to anything. I overthink, I rethink, I constantly change my thoughts and opinions on everything, and I try to be as honest about all of these flaws as I can. Holding a mirror up to my person is an ever-present curse that I have always dealt with.
At the same time, I don't know if it's completely a bad thing to constantly analyze my thoughts and opinions. Some of them change right as I express them, as if externalizing something helps me realize how incorrect it is. Or, God will come to me and show me ways in which I'm wrong. I genuinely try to modify my thoughts and behaviors based on new information. I have a positive attitude toward correction.
Sin is a constant presence in everyone's life and something we all deal with. In Christians, it's a particularly poignant topic that is discussed in the most general terms, and to a degree I understand why. I don't mean specifically spilling all the details of our personal sins to everyone around us, I mean the concept and identification of it. It's far too offhand, insincere, or on the other end of the spectrum, causes squirming, judgment, and a weird type of general shame toward anyone who dares talk about their struggles with it.
After all, we're saved, right? Once you're saved, you're absolved from skin by the Holy Blood of Christ. You're forgiven, guaranteed a spot in Heaven. This is where things start to get muddy - not the idea of being saved, the acceptance of simple Salvation in the Christian definition, no. The idea of sin. How it works, how it's performed, the depth of sin. I'd argue that, saved or not, our lives will be a constant struggle against the disease - no - the addiction we all have to sin.
Now I don't think I personally struggle from anything that hasn't affected tons of others before, so the feeling that I'm not particularly unique in this aspect is a comfort. However, that doesn't mean that I push off the responsibility of dealing with sin. I find myself asking for forgiveness nearly every day for what I think, what I thought...What I've said, what I want to say, what I will say when I'm not paying attention. This runs deep.
While my entire life mission has been based around finding some sort of divine enlightenment, salvation from worldly issues and temptations, and the constant improvement of my being, some days I feel farther away from that ideal than I've ever felt before. Other days, I feel as though I'm living in light, and I try to make the most of those days. I strive to always do the right thing, and find myself failing almost just as often. Feels a little stupid!
As I've said before, Rejoice In Our Suffering is primarily about my struggle with clinical depression. The most insulting commentary I've received from other Christians is the idea that you can somehow just pray harder and it'll go away, or that if you have clinical depression, you can just reject it and your faith in God should be sufficient. If it's not, you're doing something wrong and deserve to feel terrible. As frustrating as this is, I genuinely thank God that the people who say these things do not suffer from the same issues I have with it. And I realize the issue isn't an uncommon one, I don't think my situation is any more severe than some others who deal with it, but it is very easy to incorrectly assume that your particular struggle with it is unique. The understanding that it is or it isn't unique is another one that requires exploration - it can be hard to communicate to others that both of those things can be true. Yes, your particular situation and your struggle with clinical depression is unique. No, your situation and struggle with clinical depression isn't unique. Is it possible to understand that both of these things can be true?
Now, I say this to bring another point about - mental illness, in its myriad forms and effects, can cause someone to sin. When things feel pointless, why bother to keep yourself from smoking cigarettes, or doing drugs, or drinking your brain into mush, or neglecting your relationships to play video games and shut it all out? So then you ask for forgiveness from Christ. You lose friendships because of neglect. You spiral due to the loss of relationships. You hurt yourself. You ask for forgiveness from Christ. You neglect, you abuse, you hurt. What a bizarre cycle. I'm not saying it's okay, I'm saying I understand it.
Easier said than done to ask for forgiveness then never, ever commit that sin again. There are certain lifelong sins that as individuals we will always struggle with. Does this bind us to hell? First, I'll state in no uncertain terms that anyone who says they don't commit the same sin after asking for forgiveness is a complete and total liar. Not sorry, not judging you, but you're a liar to yourself and everyone else. I believe certain things you can stop doing and move on from completely, sure. I'm sure everyone has examples of one or two or three of them, but everything? Good for you if you can, but I'm sure you still struggle with at least something.
I've heard different things from different church leadership members in different churches. Some say yes, if you continue to commit that sin, you're going straight to hell, because it means you didn't ever plan to stop or work on it. Others say no, that being completely spotless is next to impossible. I lean more on the second one. What if it's something we struggle with? We mess up, we ask for forgiveness, we do it again, we mess up, we ask for forgiveness, we do it again... Look, I'm not saying this is okay, I'm saying that I believe if we genuinely try to do better every day after asking for forgiveness, God understands. We're weak, and the attempt does count for something, doesn't it?
It's hard to take stances on topics like this, it should be clear what a sin is, and certainly a sin for one person might or might not be a sin for others. Some might say this is a stupid thought, but is it? For an alcoholic, one drink is a sin because they do it knowing it could cause them to spiral and create a bunch of other problems for themselves and others. But for someone who isn't an alcoholic, a drink is just a drink. If, as an individual, you think it might cause you to become an alcoholic and spiral out into a life of sin and failure - then by all means, avoid it. But, simply put, this doesn't apply to everyone. In that way, a sin for one person is not a sin for another. This doesn't apply across the board. You can't lie. You can't cheat. You can't steal. You can't abuse. You can't hate. Things like that are a sin for anyone and everyone who does those things, but some things aren't.
I'm sure that now it's becoming as clear as a muddied lake, and this is how we get to existential questions regarding our lives as Christians. Myself, I constantly pray about these thoughts. I obsess over them, I constantly analyze my own thoughts, actions, behaviors, and I'm often left entirely baffled by my own personality and failures -- and even, sometimes, by my successes!
These thoughts are what the upcoming album is about. On this blog, I will be commenting on every track of the album until it releases, and if I'm not done doing so by then, I will continue until I'm finished with all of them. Some of the posts might be shorter than this, some might be longer. No one could accuse me of being short on words, so I doubt many will be quick reads.
It is with the deepest sincerity that I will do my best to explain everything the best that I can, as personally as I feel I can. It's this honesty that is necessary to split open my chest and make myself open to God and not make myself obtuse or disassociate myself from the personal expressions of the album. As always, I'm happy to answer questions or communicate with anyone about any of this.
Thank you, God. Thank you, reader. Thank you, listeners. Pray for me as I pray for all of you, that we may uplift and support each other instead of succumbing to the constant pressures and temptations of the world we live in. Express and exercise your compassion and empathy, or we all may fall away from each other, and then Christ.
