I'm aware that some might describe my communication style as circuitous, often pontificating to the extent that my original intent is obscured under a blanket of unnecessary detail. This is largely due to feeling as if I haven't explained myself thoroughly, or considering that there is always more depth to what I'm trying to communicate. On the whole, I don't see what I have to say as being all that important or necessary to anyone else's life, and I primarily treat my project and this blog as a personal echo-chamber. If anyone else is paying attention, that's a bonus, and I'm always open to other perspectives and enjoy being corrected.
The new album's topics largely center around nightmares and personal inadequacy as a Christian, which is a lifelong struggle that has caused me to fall away in the past. Having a broad interest in almost anything someone could name doesn't help things much... I just find everything to be endlessly fascinating and haven't ever been adept at discernment in this regard.
Anger is both a driving force and a result of my mercurial nature, hanging around like a friend you wish you didn't have. At times this slips into hate directed at myself and that has also been a lifelong struggle. Because there are so many different ways to look at these issues, things may seem repeated with slight variations on the theme.
I read Ronnie Martin's book, "Stop Your Complaining," and that helped with several things. Sure, grumbling is a sin and we should be grateful for what we have. I am! I guess anger and hate could be seen as being connected to this sin in some way, but what is someone to do when it's an integral part of their personality? Not that I'm comparing myself to others, but I don't think I'm curmudgeonly. I've noticed with friends that want to share something they really like a certain amount of anger if I just don't like something - I've never said that they shouldn't like these things because I don't, I've merely said I'm not into it. There is usually some sort of blow up right after this. I can't figure out why this is seen as an acceptable reaction to someone else not enjoying something you like. It seems self centered. Maybe I'm just good at picking friends who have some sort of specific type of damage.
Possessiveness in friendship also sets me off. I'd say that between myself and other people, any sort of possessiveness from friends causes me to immediately and almost entirely cut off that friendship. Trying to force me into something is, for whatever reason, totally abhorrent to me. Or anger directed toward me because I'm too busy to do something. Being too busy doesn't nullify a friendship, it means I'm trying to get something else done. I may or may not share what that is, I don't always see it as being someone else's business.
That's where hate comes in. For me, hate isn't a result of anger, it's a separate emotion that grows and festers over time. When it finally does exist, it's kind of an immovable lump that sits on my soul that I can't get rid of. I suppose hate is often cultivated with anger, but they never come together for me. I'm not likely to get angry at someone I hate - and I try very hard not to hate anybody. Right at this moment, I can say confidently, there's no one I hate...but I have before. Over time, the lump I can't get rid of does kind of erode, or for whatever reason I let it go. Usually it's when there's been enough time that I don't remember how it developed in the first place. I sometimes wonder if I'm alone in this separation of negative emotions.
I pray about it. It's a central theme of my prayer and one of the very few things I pray for about myself. Sometimes, my prayer is so directionless or topic-centered that it makes me angry with myself. I forget. Ugh.
Recently, prayer has been a little tough for me. It's a part of who I am and I do it constantly, but sometimes it's more focused or directed than others. Why, lately, the peace that I find from it and the solitude I seek for it has been so hard to cultivate I don't know. At all times, most of my prayers are of a thanksgiving type. Particularly with this project, my career, my schooling. These things have been going well and I keep at them, I have been extremely blessed with their forward movement and development and I feel endless fortunate. I thank God every time I pray for these things, because they are part of what keeps me in line overall. That thanksgiving comes with praise, doesn't it? And Joy. Wrapped up together in something I embrace.
Confliction... when all of these things mix and combine into a miasma of confusion. Good and evil, trying to eliminate anger or hate, trying to cultivate praise and joy, and having a hard time with all of them. There seems to be this weird idea I've noticed in the past few years of people saying, "Just do this, it'll cancel this other thing out." No. Nothing cancels anything out, there's no such thing. The good and bad things co-exist and they both effect you as if they would if they were exclusive.
It has also been suggested that I may be in deep spiritual warfare, and this is certainly possible. At other times, I've been very conscious of when this is happening and been able to defend myself from certain types of attacks, but this could be a new angle entirely, one that I haven't dealt with before that I haven't figured out how to deal with yet. Satan does actively work against us.
As someone who considers themselves Pentecostal, I place a lot of importance on direct experiences with the Lord, and I felt something that I have to believe was baptism in the Holy Spirit. It's happened before, but it seems to happen at random and has nothing to do with whether or not I will it to happen, though it does happen only when I'm in very deep states of prayer. Watching other people experience it in a specifically assigned place like a church is interesting to me, because it just doesn't happen for me in this way. I'm not saying they're wrong. I don't think I'm wrong. I do think it's something that happens. Anyway, since I felt this the last time, I haven't felt it again. I don't feel separate from God, I've described in other contexts that there is always a feeling of God being present - everywhere, being that omnipresence is an element of the Godhead - but sometimes it feels as though you're grabbed by this and held in it for awhile. It feels different every time. Each time there's a different message, a different emotion, a different reaction. So why, since I experienced that, have things been so confusing and dark, but so good at the same time? Everything, on paper, is going extremely well. In fact, I'd say they're better than they've ever been! Hmm.
And there I go, doing something that could be seen as whining in relation to life. Not my intent, but I can understand why someone would read it that way. Praise Jesus, even this confusing part of life is beautiful in its own way.
