I'm sure many punish themselves constantly for their past, remembering embarrassments and errors in judgment that follow them forever in one way or another. Every time it feels as if something has been dealt with, it comes back later to stare you in the face. No matter how well you're doing, or have been doing for months, it seems to hide behind a corner like an invisible bear trap to cut through a tendon in your ankle.
Addictions, habits, annoyances. I suppose this is a normal part of any Christian's struggle as we move forward, attempting to lead a Christlike life. Sometimes I feel like an imposter. I'm not new in my spiritual journey, but I try to retain the state of mind someone new to it, otherwise I might assume I know much more than I actually do. I still fall into this on occasion. I also study and interpret things in a very different way compared to how I used to.
The basic outline, the difference between right and wrong. The things I know I should be doing and the things I know I shouldn't. The laziness and procrastination, and my failure to be consistent in many areas that require improvement. I understand what needs to be done, and whether it's because of depression, which I really strive not to use as an excuse for everything, or fear, I find myself making the wrong decision much less now, but moving more toward a paralysis of decision.
Sometimes when you pray the hardest it seems like you get the least amount of direction. This is something that, I believe, we do to ourselves. When we receive clear direction and instructions, or we become locked in to a path that we know is right with the Lord because of the many ways he speaks to us, things seem to move quickly. It's when something, who we all acknowledge is at work in our lives and who we consistently fight against, and who we are protected against, continually obfuscates the path by using our own worst personality traits against us that leading a Christian life is the most difficult.
As we approach Christmas and the end of the year, thank you for listening, thank you for the support.
