Pray harder...

As I start recording things again, and again, and again, and again. I'm in an endless loop of recording and stopping, as getting the sound I want becomes harder. I've ended up with a lot of material in various states of completion. I'll eventually figure out what to do with all of this, finish a lot of it for other releases, etc. 

I have a particular set of songs that I must get finished for this next album, and they're so much angrier than I thought they would be. What I've been noticing is that they're just as personal as the self-titled album, which some will recall was about personal sin. This one seems to be about personal anger, and less frustration with myself and more with how I try to come to terms with the behavior of others, particularly within the church. 

It's confounding, and from this confusion, borne of behavior well outside of my expectations for Christians in our community. I'm sure they feel the same about some of my thoughts and opinions. I try not to see myself as separate or above or below the church community philosophically, but there are some situations where I just can't reconcile the outward behavior of others with the words they use to describe themselves as Christians. 

They want peace, but in the same breath will talk about what they'll do with their guns if some fantasy of theirs is fulfilled. Eagerness toward violence. -- For what it's worth, I hate guns. I absolutely hate guns more than just about anything and I try to reserve the word hate for very serious situations. I've been the victim of two armed robberies, and more of the people I know that have guns have acted irresponsibly with them at some point than those who haven't. No, not everyone acts irresponsibly with guns. But a lot do. I hate guns. Lets just leave it at that - I don't think it's my place to tell people they should or shouldn't have one.  

How they're pro-life, but are so eager to support the death penalty. And, no, I don't think the two are mutually exclusive, thank you. Maybe, and then only maybe, in extreme cases do I think the death penalty is acceptable. I don't know how we got to the point now that everybody just wants somebody to die for something, this seems so bizarre to me. It makes me more than a little physically ill if I think about it for too long. What if you have the wrong guy? 

How we need to take care of the poor, or those unable to do things for themselves, but in the same breath cursing welfare frauds and complaining about food stamps. I guess I understand - you work and it makes you mad if someone able bodied doesn't work for a living. Annoying. But even still, if someone's hungry, you feed them. You shouldn't decide that you get to be the person that determines whether or not someone deserves to eat. 

Clothe the naked. Well, that's fine, as long as you like the clothes right? Shut up. Be kind. The clothes don't make the Christian, Mr. "Fruit Inspector." 

How churches need to do more outreach, win more souls for Christ, but strongly guard and make unwelcome those who enter seeking answers. That is, unless they look, talk, or think a certain way. If it's at all challenging, or there are questions you can't answer, they must be pushed out. They're troublemakers. They're not right for your, "Church family." 

How they need to meet people where they're at, but then constantly, consistently making issues society as a whole is facing seem like it's a case of being at war against Christ. Not everybody is simply against the church because they hate the idea (as we see it, fact) of Christ. Many are turned away as a direct result of things I've already talked about and will talk about. I can't be the only one to have ever brought this stuff up, in fact I'm sure I'm not, so why do I still see this stuff happening all the time? 

About how no one knows but God when the end will be, but in the same breath talking about how soon the rapture will happen any second, and that certain conditions are being met that will make it so. Why are you so eager? I want to be in heaven, too, but don't you want for your kids and grandkids to live full, happy lives? To have the opportunity of this life, the chance to live it right before we do the eternal thing on the other side? This is such a complicated topic, but I don't know if wishing for the physical destruction of everything except for a small group of people that see things the same way you do ideologically, morally, and ethically is right. "They had their chance," is what I hear people saying, already. Like everything is done and you just have nothing else to do because you've been the endless profusive source of the Good News. You're not done yet. The church isn't done yet. Clean it up. 

A lot of these things are continually said in the same breath by so many of the churches I've been a part of, and they're questions I've prayed on extensively and read the word on specifically, often without a clear answer, so I have to draw conclusions based on how I feel led by Christ. This is what I've always been instructed to do, consistently, by every church experience I've had - the positive ones, and the negative ones...Overall, they have agreed on this. 

But then, I'm somehow always wrong. 

The gulf in words and actions that takes place within the Christian church is very flippantly called a source of friction. Let's call it what it is: An insidious form of hypocrisy that most are willing to put themselves above while talking down other Christians and to a greater extent other human beings - I'm not willing to do that. I'm not above it. I am it. I put a lot of effort toward expressing outwardly in my actions what I think is right, but I'm absolutely sure and conscious of it every time I fail to do what is right. 

I wish the two had been reconciled long before now much more effectively, sometime during my late teens or in my 20's, but instead they started to really come together in my early 30's and now in my late 30's I feel a little bit like I might be getting it somewhat approximating correctness. Even thinking this way, I feel, may be giving myself too much of a pat on the back or taking credit in part for absolutely anything good that happens, when nothing good that happens has anything to do with me at all in this gigantic world we all perceive. 

It's half of the reason I don't feel qualified, at all, to provide guidance as some sort of pastor or call my creative Christian projects a ministry. With such glaring imperfection currently, and even worse previously, how could I hope to tell anyone the right way to live or see things? I can only accept them and serve them in a way that is appropriate for who I am now, and I try very hard to do this.

And be frustrated with the things that I just don't understand. I accept them, and acknowledge complete powerlessness to fix them, and do not trust my own heart or thoughts to guide things to a better place.  

Please, human beings within the church, stop damning other human beings to hell, it is not our job and it is impossible to ignore the trauma this causes and has caused in young people. 

And Donald Trump is NOT the second coming of Christ!!!