Maybe reminiscing isn't the right word, maybe it is. Maybe my view of my youth is one half rose tinted, and the other half completely painted black with misery with no in between. I've always existed in the extremes of despair and frustration and rapturous joy, often simultaneously. I figure both things can be true. Praise God for the beautiful gift of our perception and emotions.
I can't sleep tonight.
I went back and dug out/found/bought a bunch of old records from my youth, from when I was hanging around with other equally young punks in the scene from 2000 - 2006. I have fond memories, now that I'm older, of silly scene drama and throwing chicken nuggets at other punks in the early 2000s. It all feels like it was yesterday, but on a completely different planet, far away from where we all live now. It didn't matter to us if you were a Christian, or an Atheist, or a Republican, or a Democrat, or Queer, or Trans, or Straight... There were always a few slight divisions that some people took too far, but when it came down to the core of it, we all had a basic respect for each other as human beings, and really wanted what was best for each other. Certainly, the disagreements never brought us to the place of wanting to hurt each other or completely stop someone else from saying how they felt.
It taught me how to love without pretense, to meet people where they were even if I thought they were wrong, were performing the wrong actions, or doing the wrong thing. After all, I was doing plenty of things wrong myself. I still do plenty of things wrong, myself, in mind or outwardly. Are you going to pretend you never drive over the speed limit?
"That's your opinion, and it's okay..." and other positive reinforcement, not for things that we saw as being wrong, but for being a young person trying to figure it out. We could say how we felt about certain issues, maybe even argue with them, and things could get heated. But, still, we liked each other, going to shows and seeing each other was fun, listening to records was a blast. I'm almost 40 now, creeping closer and closer toward the status of middle age, and starting my adult life later than most with getting married, having children, etc.
But lets be honest, you're still a kid trying to figure it out, too. We should all extend this patience to others.
It's caused an existential analysis, an inventory of where I'm at, what I have, where I want to be, and what I really want out of life. I thank God in deep prayer every day for how fortunate I've been to get where I'm at. Surely, I am not a strong or smart enough person on my own to accidentally wander into the wealth I've wandered into.
And I'm not talking money. I have more friends than I have time for, having even lost some from not having enough time for them and causing hurt feelings, as much as I wish this weren't the case, I dug my heels in and did what I felt I had to do. I hope they know that I'm not mad at them. I hope that anyone I may have hurt will know that I wouldn't have done it on purpose, or actions were performed through ignorance, things I wish I knew back then. Apologies are complicated, and often insufficient.
I think to an extent, everyone carries these thoughts with them throughout their life, at least I imagine this to be the case and it helps me. Though we should give them to the Lord, and even if we do give them to the Lord, the specter of who we were even 5 minutes ago wanders behind curtains, a veil so thin that we put so much effort to get in front of and pretend we've moved away from.
Perhaps it was the 3-4 years of relative isolation that we're still healing from, learning how to listen to and love one another all over again, learning to socialize and be accountable to a society that was already viewed as damaged, but is now viewed as damaged, markedly changed, and possibly irrecoverable.
Everybody cares about everybody else, but no one can agree on the right way to care for each other. If you don't care about others there is a severe problem with your soul.
Punk Rock was such a big part of my youth during my most formative years, and when I think about how little has happened in the past 5 years, compared to how much seemed to happen during the same period of time back then, I pause. Then I really look, peel the wound open and look at how the last 5 years have really been. Even more has happened.
I didn't think I would ever be successful to someone else's standard, I didn't think I'd ever accomplish any of my life goals, I didn't think I would ever get married, and I didn't think I would ever own a home. All of this has happened in the last 5 years.
Perspective changes everything. It also changes nothing.
I'm so happy I found my way back to God, but my background keeps me from prideful arrogance in my faith because I still have many of the same problems I had when I was much younger. I struggle with many of the same problems that almost every other man struggles with. To a degree, they're even worse than they ever were... in certain areas. Scared of shadows of a different type.
The state of relationships between people makes me weep. My frustration and unease at the fact that so many things just don't seem quite right with the way our society functions, and my complete inability, unwillingness, and misunderstanding of how to successfully function within it in a normal fashion creates a rift between my outer actions and inner needs. Yet, I am considered successful.
Isolation, subterranean anger and wrath bubble to the surface and lock me in, I have made the determination and resolve to make others happier, while expressing my personal, deepest pain in the music I create. It's why I can't call it a ministry. This isn't a vehicle to bring others to salvation, though God has used me for this or to guide others in some way, and I'm certainly unqualified to tell others whether they're wrong or right about how they live their life.
But they're happy to tell me how I should be living mine. Respectfully, the Sermon On the Mount is my path. Prayer is my guide, not men.
I was made rebellious and iconoclastic by God, not by choice, and these are deeply integrated in my personality, informing my views on the current state of the Christian community. Many don't like this, and they're not afraid to tell me. Many will push back, or tell me I should keep silent. Some will uncover their own prejudice with their mouth and tell me not to be judgmental. Still others will arrogantly put me below them, intellectually and philosophically, in an effort to justify a lazy worldview.
Are you so literal? Is it so literal? The letter or the spirit?
I believe everyone must feel this general unease. The experience of complete existential confusion apart from our religious affiliation can't be unique, because I certainly don't set myself apart or cut off the limbs of societal responsibility. I certainly don't use faith as an excuse. If we are apart from others, we do not live!
The goal is to serve God. To serve God, we must serve others. To effectively serve others, we must be willing to put ourselves to the side, and be honest about how messed up (I wanted to use a word other than messed here, but I'm trying to do better...) we really are.
Go ahead, think you have it figured out.
You'll find out.
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